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Great Sexpectations

November 12, 2015

 

You know the feeling. You’re dating someone new. It’s fresh. It’s exciting. It’s invigorating. You’re doing things you’ve never done before and finally getting around to trying that gluten free bakery down the road. You’ve let him finger you in the park, for crying out loud! A surreal whirlwind of date-packed weeks and you find yourself only having the time and interest to Whatsapp one person (apart from the girls- ovaries before brovaries!). And you love it! The electricity and sexual tension you feel from the brush of his hand on your leg. The butterflies when choosing which blouse to wear for a romantic Sunday brunch. You know him well enough at this stage to want to rip his clothes off and lick curry sauce off his naked torso.

 

 

So you’ve met someone who you’re compatible with- emotionally. You make each other laugh and share a mutual love for dried mango… What would be more perfect? You catch yourself daydreaming over lunch… ‘Maybe he’s the one’… ‘I wonder where we’d get married, I’ve always liked that church on the Royal Mile’… ‘I hope our baby has my nose’… and you know the only thing left in sealing the boyfriend-girlfriend deal is a really good shag. The time to connect sexually is nigh! You’ve fooled around a bit before now, and you’re both ready to do the mattress mambo. Hell, you’ve been waiting for this since date number one! You invite him over for a home-cooked meal (Marks& Spencer’s microwavable lasagne) and have decked out your stamp-sized living room with candles and forgiving lighting. You polish off the bottle of Sauvignon he brought round and move over to the sofa- thank god you remembered to wear your tiniest knickers. Oh and he’s kissing you. He’s kissing your neck and ohhhh yeah that feels good. Your barely-there thong is sliding down your legs and you’ve kicked it onto the floor. His hand’s are all over your body and you’re desperate for him to be inside you. You seductively tilt your hips and your skin meets his. ‘FUCK ME!’ You scream internally, waiting with baited breath for him to slip it in. You look deeply into his eyes, and slowly recoil in horror as you witness the scrunched up expression on his face which reveals that not only has he been inside you for the past few minutes without your realisation, but he’s just bust his nut 140 seconds into intercourse. Dear. God.

 

 

Panic strikes- what do you do now?! You haven’t even had enough time to tie a shoelace let alone fake an orgasm. As he kisses your hair and un-sticks himself from your body, you struggle to hide your expression of shock and mortification- a facial expression that could only a startled vole could rival.  

 

 

Out of the very few men who I’ve convinced to go on more than 3 dates with me, I’ve been fortunate enough to have only experience such horror a handful of times. But trust me, I know how frustrating it is. Much like Carrie and Berger- do you let him have another shot at buttering the biscuit, or do you bin him? You get along just swimmingly, but can you really be with someone you have no sexual chemistry with? Is it possible to power through- stick at it for the connection you have outside of the bedroom and try and teach him to have it inside the bedroom?! Damn you for having such great sexpectations! Letting him cream the twinkie another time could go one of two ways; either he writes off the first time as stage fright and performs excellently, or he’s equally as terrible as before and you’re left with 3 minutes of your life you’ll never get back and post-shit-sex-depression. My lady readers can back me up here- there’s no worse feeling than having shitty sex and wasting a shave.

WHY GOD, WHY?! The nice young men who open the door for you and compliment your every outfit can’t function their pecker to tickle your kitten, but the arrogant prunes who you can’t help but be drawn to, but treat you like something they found on the bottom of their rugby boot can make you climax for days. Ladies and gents, I encourage you to go on a Man Scavenger Hunt. Follow the clues and hints thrown your way by those who aren’t worthy of tasting your peach, and go forth and uncover the man who pleases you inside and out of the bedroom! And seriously, he’s not that hard to find. The majority of my friends and Ravens who are spoken for have the unbelievably sweet relationship and animalistic passion balance down. You’re just looking in the wrong places. Hey- either that or fuck on the first date- that way, you won’t be investing too many feelings before you uncover his sexual ability. This tends to be a bit of a gamble, however, because if he’s a cracking shag there’s a fairly high chance he’ll smash and dash/blow his load and hit the road.

 

 

Alternatively, read up on how married couples live without sex. I just have and most claim to be comfortable, loyal and happy – although I’m not sure I’d feel the same if I hadn’t had my clam licked in 20+ years. It’s normal for the honeymoon period to fizzle out as a relationship progresses- remember Monica and Chandler competing with Phoebe and Gary? But to have no spark at the very beginning of a relationship could pose an issue. Chemistry is an amazing feeling. It consists of an increase in dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, estrogen, and oxytocin and makes you feel really high (and I’m pretty certain it’s better in the long run than cocaine). This high in a relationship, which is commonly known as attraction, generally lasts between 18-36 months. Relationships, and marriage in particular are all about compromise, right? But is it right to compromise your sex life for a well-suited partner?

 

 

As described above, I think there are going to be hundreds of men and women who walk in and out of your life and make you feel high. There will be no shortage of people who can make you undeniably happy with just a text and make you laugh until you cry, but there will be a significantly lower percentage of people who you are completely sexually compatible with and read your body the way you want it to be read. Take this as you will, it’s just a little something to think about!

 

 

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