It is with a heavy heart that I write to you today. My noble steed, BOB, has been a part of my life for many years now. Having been sex-toy active since the dawn of my sixteenth birthday, I have come across my fair share of plastic pals. But it is few and far between to get your hands on a really good one. Hence my excitement when I found BOB. He was gifted to me by one of my very best friends as a helpful suggestion to get me through the Man Ban and the continuous writing of this blog. He was so handsome. Shiny, pink and with interchangeable heads. He was perfect. And, without a doubt, the sole reason for my sexual pleasure and happiness before meeting my current beau. Wherever I have travelled, and whomever I have been with; BOB has always stuck by me. He even graduated to having his own ‘travel bag’ (a stray sock).
The bond between a woman and her sex toy is without a doubt an unbreakable one. So you can imagine my current heartache after earlier this week discovering I had left poor BOB at Centre Parcs. Having called multiple times and being repeatedly informed that no one has seen or discovered a perfect, pocket-sized, pink pal, I have given up hope. If I told you that I held it together upon uncovering my loss and didn’t cry at all, I would be lying. BOB meant an awful lot to me. Not only sexually, but sentimentally, and there will be a special place in my heart (and clitoris) reserved for him as long as I shall live and continue to masturbate many of his cousins.
Regardless of relationship status, it is the presence or absence of a vibrating friend that completes the woman. Believe me, I know. And it’s no easy feat to partner up with that specific toy that meets all your wants and needs. In fact, it can take years of trial and tribulation.
It’s OK to be in a committed relationship and respect your toy. They are allowed to work simultaneously. My boyfriend had a full understanding that BOB and my relationship was nothing short of special, and that it was a frequent desire to spend quality time together. Alternatively, sharing your buzz with your beau is totally OK – I admire a woman who can introduce her two loves to one another and respectfully live her life sans complications. A 2004 Berman Center study titled “Health Benefits of Sexual Aids and Devices” found that 30 percent of couples use vibrators. Sadly, I am not that woman. I had a slightly hysterical problem with sharing BOB. He was MINE and I valued our alone time so highly, that the thought of anyone else interjecting was positively ghastly.
It is equally, if not more, important to rely on your plastic pal when single. You may think you can live without the big O, but give it three to six weeks and you’ll be tearing your hair out or spending your evenings bathroom bound, contorting your body so the shower head hits it just right. Your magic wand will make everything easier. And he will be perfect for passing the time during ad breaks. Your pleasure product will never care what you look like. He will never talk shit about you to his friends. He will never have too much to drink and be rendered useless. He will ALWAYS be able to perform. And as a human being, you need that kind of stability in your life. Lest we forget, he can be used at any time, in any (private or semi-so) place and on any part of the body.
Statistically, sex toys boost sexual confidence. They catalyse orgasms, therefore leaving you less stressed and with less of a risk of contracting illness. Trust me, your climax is oh, so good for the body and soul. Purchasing your vibrator is serious business and somewhat of a lifetime investment. Whilst each and every vagina is totally different, reading up on your sex toys reviews is always helpful in making an informed decision. Think about what you want from your vibrator, and peruse. It’s much easier to shop in-store, as opposed to online. That way, there are experts to hand to guide you in the right direction. Yes, the sales assistants in Ann Summers serve more purpose than pointing you in the right direction for ‘penis pasta’. Said decision is not one to be rushed, so ensure you are completely and totally sure before you purchase your new friend.
Ladies, look after your BOBs, you’ll never know when you will experience their last buzz.
Wherever you may be, I wish you many further years of endeavours and adventures. BOB; my Battery Operated Boyfriend. Gone, but absolutely never forgotten.