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Man-Cycling

May 12, 2016

 

I’m single, if you’re only just tuning in or have just been blindly fumbling around my blog for the last two years. 

 

I am, how the French say, ‘le undateable’. 

 

Single girls? Be honest- you all want someone to text you all through the day. Even if it’s not 24/7, it’s a warm comfort knowing there’s someone at your beck and call who you can send a quick message to at any moment during the day. I personally just look for someone who I can bombard with selfies and tell awful cheese jokes to. Is it really so much to ask to, when returning home from a long day at work, be greeted with an unexpected and adorable text rather than falling victim to a surprise dick pic?

 

Between the ages of fifteen and seventeen, I attended an all-female Catholic boarding school. You can imagine how well this sat with me. Let’s just say it gave me an opportunity to explore Lesbianism, amongst other religions… Upon leaving, I spiralled into a crazy whirlwind of cock, and became narcissistic-ly obsessed with my ‘number’. Thankfully, such a phase only lasted a few short years until I made the following revelation- http://the-man-ban.tumblr.com/post/111955206957/why-your-number-is-just-a-number-24th-february. If I had gone few months or so without a bonk (because apparently being single doesn’t mean hot sex with multiple men on tap), then I would read through the people I’d previously been intimate with (yeah, I had a list then… It’s a shame I wasn’t that organised when it came to my A Level work) and I’d pick someone to Saturday Night Shag with. All this effort just so I wouldn’t bump up my numbers- unbelievable! Obviously this mentality didn’t stick for too long as I’ve been throwing my cat around ever since without a second thought.

 

However, in some way, I have built upon this idea to assist me in my elder years. Often nowadays, when times are getting tough and it’s harder to Facebook stalk men into fancying you, I find myself ‘surprise’ Whatsapping ex flames, JUST so I have someone to entertain/date me without boring myself with getting-to-know-you chat. Should I ever see one of my past lovers ‘online’ on Facebook messenger, you bet your ass I’m going to hit them up with a hilariously witty anecdote- just as a casual reminder of what they gave up and what they’re missing now. Note- see also ‘hot selfie posting’ for other ways to execute this.

 

Getting to know someone can be difficult and more often than not, infuriating. Particularly if using dating sites and apps to source your suitors, conversing with potentials without doing so in person can be an absolute nightmare. All too often I’ve matched with someone aesthetically divine, only to discover that in person his chat is downright pants. It’s virtually impossible to properly get to know someone via 4G. Emotions, sarcasm and tone of voice can’t be translated through a keyboard- no matter how many Emojis you use, and, without thoroughly understanding he or she’s conversation, you’re less than likely to wish to pursue a face to face meet. Then before you know it, you’ve landed back at square 1 and you’re liking the latest Instagram post of someone you snogged in Niche one time. JUST to get a reaction, and maybe, if you’re lucky- a text.

 

Small talk alongside (less than) original pick up lines is the bane of my very existence. Being asked if I avidly follow Judaism because I ‘Israeli hot’ does not often entice me into conversation. And hey- shock horror! I don’t frequently yearn to spend my Tuesday evening discussing my job, family, where I enjoy socialising or previous holiday destinations with someone I swiped that morning. In all honesty, I’d rather lay in bed watching The Real Housewives of somewhere-or-other and eating out of date cereal from the box. So why is it the case that, even more embarrassingly, when there’s no one I fancy matching, I’ve often been known to scroll through my Tinder matches and spark up conversations with people I swiped back in 2013- sometimes I even reply to the questions they last asked me… 18 months prior. That, my dear Watson, is desperation. You’ll experience no greater shame, however, than being ignored or even ‘unmatched’ after taking this leap of frantic faith. Ouch.

While I strongly believe it is wrong to lead someone one under false pretences, it’s not quite the same ball park to ‘catch up’ with a prior significant other to kill a little boredom or fill the chunky rugby player-shaped hole in your life. Sometimes you just need entertaining from someone who knows you- or a sext from someone who knows your inner kink. 

 

I guess this is the theory behind the ‘Little Black Book’. In my case, it was it was less little and black and more A4 and bright pink- didn’t you know? Subtle is my middle name. It’s become the obviously weird mark of a true bachelor to have a pocket-sized diary detailing the women he’s previously slept with/courted. You remember seeing Joey in FRIENDS scouring through said book to find Phoebe a date? Only to discover it was filled with the phone numbers and home addresses of unsuspecting girls! And How I Met Your Mother’s smooth-talking Barney Stinson has an endless stream of females he habitually refers to. What kind of double standard allows for men to be defined as stud-like by keeping their exes details and further using them, but for a woman to recycle a man it would no doubt be labelled pathetic or desperate?

 

Tell me this- if we aren’t allowed to revisit ex flames and dig up past dirt then why do Facebook have a relationship status for ‘It’s Complicated’? Isn’t it always?

Throwing a spanner into the works here, but why not recycle your ex flames onto your single girlfriends? Think back to the party in Sex and the City where the girls were encouraged to bring either their single friends or dates that they no longer held an interest for, in order to introduce them to other likeminded singletons in the hope that they would find a match. And likewise for yourself, you’d then find yourself in a pool of (hopefully) attractive, single men looking for their Mr or Miss Right- not just Mr or Miss Right Now. Something to consider for future parties you may host, perhaps… Although the thought of dating someone who’s face has already been used as a seat by one of my closest friends doesn’t scream appeal to me. But hey, Ex and the City, right?

 

Gents- at least now you know why the girl you were texting for a fortnight 2 years ago has popped back up on your phone.  

 

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