Being single can be tricky. It can be daunting. It can be frustrating. For me, the worst times of single life were craving regular sexual attention. And sure, I often dealt with this via frozen margaritas and a roll in the hay with a local stranger but sometimes I needed a cure for my insatiable appetite that could be enjoyed simultaneously with me binge watching Netflix and consuming a family-sized pasta bake.
There is nothing wrong with not being sexually active, but having sworn myself off men in previous years, I know certain needs demand to be satisfied. In truth, I have survived for months at a time on nothing but a really good dildo. You don’t need a partner to have an epic sex life- trust me. I have compiled a list (and when I say compiled, I mean racked my brains for bloody hours to come up with a sex toy for every letter of the alphabet. On the spot, you tell me one that begins with X… Nope, didn’t think so). This is my A-Z of sexual toys and other implements which have helped me through my far too frequent dry patches. Note that the list also includes various objects which I would recommend using with a partner- a one night stand, perhaps. Or a really, really good friend. Either way, the list is predominantly for singletons. And as I’ve directed this essentially at single straight females and homosexual men, I have made sure to include one or two references to those of you who don’t fall into those categories.
A- Anal Beads. As it’s the first on the list, I thought it best to ease you in (get it). Pleasant because you’re in control of how and when you insert and remove them. You can also get a variety of sizes dependant on how much hoop play you’ve had before and how used to anal you are. Please don’t attempt to use these beads of joy without lube. It would be like trying to push an ice cream cone through a nostril. And carefully does it on the removal- I know one too many women who’ve pulled out too quickly and released more than they were expecting, if you catch my drift.
B- Butt Plug. An alternative to the classic bead option. The only difference? You normally put it all in, and leave it all in. Either while being vaginally bonked for a DP feel (minus the second cock), or until you have gotten used to it when it will often be removed and replaced with a penis.
E- Electricity. Not strictly something you should play with… but trust me, you don’t want to experience the struggle of being mid-play and having your batteries die. So make sure you have extra AAAs to hand, your wand plugged in and your electric toothbrush on charge at all times. You know, just in case.
G- Gag. As in ball. I’m a little frightened to use mine. I was having a 50 Shades of Grey moment upon ordering and now just sit and look at it, wondering what it’s going to feel like to, essentially, be muzzled.
J- Jiggly objects. Plastic egg, rubber balls, whatever tickles your fancy (literally). Insert into the bearded clam and then when reaching climax (by using BOB at a steady speed on heaven’s doorbell) whip those motherfucka’s out! If you’re fussy about your bed sheets getting dirty and in this case, moist, then I’d lay a towel down.
L- L is for love, and what is life, without love?! Just joking, L is for latex. Condoms for the majority of us, and exotic outfits for those kinkier readers. I’m a little too claustrophobic to hop on the PVC bandwagon, and can you really imagine my thighs squeezed into malleable plastic?! Perhaps not the fetish you had in mind... Don’t forget to talc.
M- Machinery. Unfortunately, I’d struggle to talk from experience about sex machines, but there’s something a little sinister and awfully horn-inducing about watching them in porn. I mean, who wouldn’t want to spend a quiet Monday evening watching some poor out-of-control amateur porn star creaming all over some pretty expensive looking Japanese engineering.
N- Netflix and Chill. Or as we all more commonly know it, getting 10 minutes into a shitty film before taking your panties off and entering booty town. Despite N&C officially becoming social media famous in the last few years, people have been going to each other’s houses to ‘watch a film’ (bone) since day dot, I can assure you. I lost my virginity after being invited to someone’s parent-free house to watch South Park. Enough said.
O- Oral sex simulator- AKA ‘Lelo Ora’. Not something I own, just something I’m saving up for. Women owe a lot to he who invented a sex toy that can replicate the magical workings of a tongue. Reportedly, this thing has several settings and even an ‘Intense Mode’ option. At £119, I’m counting out my coppers as we speak.
P- Paddle. Admittedly, I've been getting "intimate" with a date before to find him positively panic stricken after reaching for a condom and discovering a pretty large studded paddle. Regardless, it’s significantly underrated. On yet another date (different date, different guy), I was set against not putting out but ridiculously turned on as a result of kissing and over-the-blouse fumbling so I let him bend me over my bed (fully clothed, I might add) and try out my paddle. I’ve been obsessed with my little leather friend ever since.
Q- Quinoa. I can’t think of any sexual stimulator or toy which I own beginning with Q. So, Quinoa it is. Clean eating is often in direct correlation to a clean vag. If you want your tuppence to be pleasing to the nose and tantalising to the taste buds, then you’ll ensure your diet is rich in fruits and vegetables. And Quinoa, just because. Avoid coffee, sugar (Pfffft), alcohol (HA! Good one) and cheese (not a chance in fiery hell) especially. As legend has it, pineapple may improve the smell and taste of your foofoo, but it’s not scientifically proven. Despite this, I still ensure I consume as much as I can - Piña coladas count, right?!
S- Spank. An extracurricular activity definitely worth trying… even if it’s just a tiny teeny tap on your tushy. There’s just something about the sound of sharp skin on skin contact simultaneously with the feeling of tingly pain creeping all over your bottom half. Mmmmmm. Careful, though. An escapee London Irish player once ended up at my house and proceeded to spank me so hard that my whole arse became a broken-veined, bruised mess. And I couldn’t sit down comfortably for a solid week.
T- Toothbrush. An expansion on E. I often find an electric toothbrush a suitable alternative to a rubber friend. When in doubt, get it out! And by it, I mean your Philips Sonicare. My boyfriend once gifted me with a spare head for his electric toothbrush, so I didn't need to waste handbag space transporting vibrators between our houses. Such a goddamn romantic.
U- Underwear. Not necessarily vibrating (we’ve all seen that scene in The Ugly Truth?! Although, there is something sinisterly arousing about someone else controlling your pleasure with a little remote control). Lingerie is bloody lovely. Even if no one is seeing it, matching my bra with my panties gives me an inner confidence (like I need any more!) and provide me with excellent Snapchat material. On another underwear related note, have you ever rubbed silk over your main erogenous zones (nips and clit) mid mattress mambo? Do it. It also works if you’re wearing the silk as under garments. Mmmmmm….
V- Vibrator. Ah, BOB. The main reliable man in my life (Sorry, honey). I’m pretty certain that when he stops serving me and passes over, I will build a shrine for him. It will be a peaceful place, and somewhere that all my other vibrators and cock rings can go to mourn the loss of my first true love.
Y- Y is for YOLO. Ah, I feel like I’m 17 again! But seriously, you do only live once, so bite the bullet (not literally, you might damage him), and try something new. You might surprise yourself.
Z- Zebra. Or Pepper. Or Cushion. Whatever it is, make sure if engaging in anything kinkier than vanilla, you set a Safeword. Chances are you won’t need it, but it’s important just in case.
So I’ve managed to blag something personally sexual for every letter of the alphabet. Obviously, as always, this is a mere guide - don't ever be pressured into doing anything you don't want to do (and that stands whether it's your first, second or 34th time trying it). Y’all singletons better be bloody grateful. I deserve a medal. Either that or a really, really good orgasm.