My lateness in writing to you and delaying your weekly update this time isn’t down to laziness and the bank holiday (but you’d be forgiven for thinking so) and instead because I wanted to write to you today about what I did on Tuesday night. On Tuesday night, I started therapy. I’ve been before a few times and it’s never quite worked out for me, so I was really bloody anxious and apprehensive. If you know me, you’ll know I cannot talk about my feelings. Like cannot, ever. Not to my friends, not to my boyfriend, not to my family. That is, unless I’m three proseccos in. And then you can’t stop me. But the issue here is that when I can’t control it (like when I’m half cut), the emotions that pour out are those that I haven’t dealt with, and most frequently those of deep hurt, anger and aggression. And it’s an issue! I get the worst hangover anxiety knowing that I’ve made a tit out of myself yet again, and ruined someone else’s evening or day because I am a full hot mess and out of control.
So I saw a therapist. And, guess what? I did so well. I had done a lot of research into finding someone I thought I would like, and I am so glad as we seem to be a great match. I really surprised myself. I talked loads, and I cried in front of her. I was open and honest about my family, relationships and spoke to her about all the shit I carry around inside myself daily.
I’ve tried therapy before, and I was crap. I lied and pretended everything was fine and essentially defeated the whole point, wasting both my time and my money. But I just wasn’t ready then. And, whilst I do recommend everyone see a therapist at some point in their lives, I also fully believe that you’re not always in the right place to be probed about your feelings. Even if you don’t have issues or problems identifiable to yourself, sometimes it’s just nice to have someone to talk and rant to. Especially when that person is a stranger and so therefore unbiased in any situation. I don’t know, really. I’m not a medical professional and I might be wrong and there’s every possibility that the next time I see said therapist, I will completely change my mind and decide that, actually, it’s not my time and it doesn’t feel right.
Only time will tell, and all you can do is try, right? Stay tuned...